I am a 38 year old vibrant woman, trapped in a very obese body.
I know this is no shocker to anyone who has seen me. But the feelings I’m about to pour all over you through my words… you may not realize.
I started out as an chunky child. I grew into a hefty teen. And then into an overweight young lady. Now, I’m an obese almost middle-aged woman. How did I get here?
In my whole life I have been ‘the sweet one’. I’m the sweetie. I’ve always been ok with that, because I enjoy being sweet… I will say though, I have always longed to be beautiful too. Not just ‘on the inside’ Or, ‘You have such a pretty face.’ Thanks, but you know what else is there or meant to be said.
I’ve allowed my weight to creep up and leap up all my life. I finally ballooned in the past year. I’m not going to share my weight with you yet, simply because I cannot bear it. It is physically painful for me to speak it aloud or type it…
You will know soon though.
I remember as a young person my family trying to encourage me to lose weight. As a little kid, I remember getting ‘the look’ at me because I wanted to eat so much. It was comforting. It still is. It was a pleasure. I had no self control over it. I’m just learning that now. Sigh…
I went to weight watchers as a kid, as a teen, as a young adult. I went to weight clinics. Telling me to take this pill or drink this shake and don’t eat. I tried my own things here and there. I even got to a point that I had made a promise to myself that I would lose some weight by my wedding anniversary as a gift to myself and my husband. Unable to do it by control, after the first 20 or so pounds, I began vomiting almost every time I had a meal. I lost. And then it all came back plus more.
See, all this life of mine, I have been controlled by food. By not allowing myself to be self-controlled. It was a horrid, vicious, terrible feeling.
Now let me tell you who I am inside. I am strong. I’ve always been told how strong I am. There have been precious few things in my life that I have wanted that I did not achieve. I was very active despite my weight. I played softball, I learned to water ski. I remember very patient parents who would go round and round and round in the boat because I would not give up trying. I HAD to accomplish it. I HAD to do it. I couldn’t accept the fact that I could not do it.
And eventually I did it and I did it WELL!
I then learned to drop a ski and before long I could even come up on one ski. It was something I wanted and I did it!
I played volleyball. I was in the band as a color-guard. I made color-guard captain in my senior year of high school. I made homecoming court, I made prom queen. I was outgoing and alive. I loved living!
I still do…
Although I have allowed hurt and pain to overcome my efforts. I allowed it to drown out that woman inside. If you really know me, you are allowed to see my real self. I have become timid though, because I am inside such a fat person. A person whom is hard to recognize.
It became easier for me to stay away from people because of the embarrassment of myself. I felt ashamed that I have hurt my family because I am so big. I know that my husband and children honestly do not look at me that way… but I feel like it. I know they would be proud for me to be thinner, but they LOVE me unconditionally. And for that I am beyond thankful. I don’t think I would have been able to finally get to this point if it weren’t for their love.
One day I hit an all-time low. My family and I went to an amusement park. I wanted to share with them some of the most fun things I loved as a girl. I went to ride a ride with my kids and I could not fit. Right there in front of TONS of people, I was trying to get myself in a ride. I was so humiliated. I wanted to break down and cry right there in the amusement park. I wanted to run away and hide. I couldn’t believe I had allowed myself to be so selfish that I was now hurting my family and having to be embarrassed publicly because *I* could not control myself enough to stop gaining weight and now I couldn’t share in my favorite ride with my kids.
I didn’t change right then… I just held on to that hurt.
I’ve had to come out of my shell. I’ve had to get back into civilization. I’ve decided it’s past time. My kids and my husband need it. I need it! There are people I love and I can bless… but I can’t do it when I am hermitizing myself out of fear or shame. It’s punishing everyone.
So, the change had to come.
Today I am thrilled to say that I’m down 41 lbs. I wrote the above months ago, when I determined I would begin. I still have lots to lose, but finally, I’m headed on the right direction.
Thank You, Lord!!
And thanks to Trim Healthy Mama
